Getting Back To Sleep

I have problems sleeping.I think that a lot of us do as we get older. Most of my friends have to take something to make them fall asleep. As children, we had no problem going to sleep. Jimmy said that he read an article about sleep problems in adults. It seems that our bodies have more melatonin when we are young. When we get older we don't have enough melatonin, and that causes us to have problems going to sleep.
I have tried everything on the market to help me get to sleep. And most of them have worked. They worked good in the beginning. But after a few months their effect seemed to ware off. Taking double the amount was the only thing that helped me go to sleep.
Nyquil became my best friend. One good shot, and within thirty minutes my head was cradled into a pile of pillows. It was such a good feeling to have the last strange thoughts of the night. I knew that the more weird my thoughts became, the closer I was to La La Land. After a few months though, one shot became two, and then two became three. Three had the reverse effect on me. Instead of going to sleep, I would lay there for hours in what I like to call 'Funky Town'. Funky Town is a place where people who are high on Nyquil go when they have taken too much and still can't fall asleep. It is a place where your weird thoughts come at you faster and faster. You laugh out loud at the bizarre thoughts. Then you laugh at yourself because you are laughing out loud. After a couple of hours, the thoughts slow down and you fall asleep. The next morning your head is in a thick fog. And it stays there until after noon.
Benadryl replaced Nyquil as my drug of choice for sleep. It has the same ingreadients as Nyquil, but not the alcohol. It was cheaper too. Taking three seemed to work good for about six months. Three then became four. Four became five. Adding Melatonin pills helped after that. Two beers added made it the perfect combination for a good rest.
Jimmy, my partner of twenty-five years, said that stress caused my sleep problems. His massage therapist, who is very spiritual, said that my sleep problems were a result of my unresolved issues. According to her, I was not releasing my anger and resentment like I was supposed to. He told me about a spiritual exercise to do before I go to bed. I tried sitting still on the floor with my eyes closed. My legs crossed, Indian style, and my palms turned up as I lay then on top of my thighs, I would take deep, slow breaths. As I released my lungs full of air, I would say " I forgive the universe of all that is wrong with it". On my next push out of air I had to say "I forgive myself for all that is wrong with me". The third breath being released, I had to say " I ask that the universe and everyone in my life forgive me". On the fourth breath, I had to say " I love myself , and I am a good person". I had to do this over and over for at least fifteen minutes each night.
It was working. I did feel much more peaceful at night. The stress seemed to dissolve away, little by little, as I repeated my mantra each night. It didn't put me to sleep as fast as the medicines and the alcohol, but I truly felt better about myself and the world. I was doing something good for myself.
After a while, I realized that I still needed the Benadryl to help me go to sleep. I had lowered the amount that I was taking. That, along with my meditation did well for me for a while. Benadryl turned into Nyquil. Then Nyquil and two beers did the trick. I continued my spiritual exercises each night.
I could not concentrate on what I was supposed to say as good as I could when I wasn't medicated though. Maybe if I repeated my mantra faster, I wouldn't get so confused. I did that for a couple of nights, trying really hard to focus and mean what I was saying. After that, I tried doing it at a very slow pace. That seemed to work better. What was I thinking? One night, after three beers and a shot of Nyquil, I found myself saying " I forgive Barbra Streisand for destroying the universe". After saying, " Kenny Rogers. Stop singing while you forgive me for the universe," I was forced to rethink all of this meditation stuff.
Jimmy's new massage therapist told him to tell me of another easier exercise to do at night. I was ready for something new. This one involved writing my worries and thoughts on a piece of paper. I had to write only things that came quickly to my mind. It seems that if you focus too much on your problems, you have a harder time letting them go in the next step. I trusted what Jimmy's massage therapist said, but I still wasn't going to take a chance at not getting a good nights sleep. I did the usual and took a shot of Nyquil with two beers.
The next step was that I had to go outside and hold the paper in my hand. I would light my lighter, and say "I release you to the universe", as I guided the flame toward the paper. In a split second the paper had melted into a bunch of black ashes that floated up above me. As they slowly drifted back down to the dirt beneath my feet, I felt nothing. I didn't feel any kind of release at all.
After that night, I decided to add my own twist to the exercise. Instead of saying " I release you to the universe", I would hold the paper in my hand and yell at it, "You go to hell. I hate you. You don't mean shit to me. Now, I release you to the universe." As a good, warm and fuzzy feeling rushed down my spine, I would release the fire from my grip as I would quietly say " You dissolve into the universe. And you are not a part of me anymore." One more loud scream at the floating ashes seemed to add the right touch: " You die. Yea, that's it. Just float away you asshole."
The results have been amazing. I still take sleep medications at night, and sometimes with alcohol. But, doing this exercise each night has forced my brain to unload itself from all the negative energy. I sleep better knowing that I have done the right thing for myself. Early in the morning as I pick up sticks or pull weeds in my yard I speak to the neighbors as they hurry about to their cars. I feel so sorry for them. They don't know my secret. "Hi neighbor.It is such a beautiful morning. Have a good day." They are so uptight. They don't even look at me as I speak to them. It is almost like they are avoiding me on purpose. I don't know what that is all about. They are so weird.